Three years before this conference, Stephanie stumbled across “When Things Fall Apart” while online shopping on Amazon. “A book with a title that sums up my life perfectly,” she thought. She clicked Add to Cart. Apparently even the algorithm knew she needed a new perspective. She had moved on from the divorce by then, returning to school to get a degree in IT management, had a great career, and even managed to buy a house. Then she ventured into the dating pool. And the waters were rough. There was a lot of flotsam and jetsam and she didn’t escape before encountering that familiar sting of rejection, hurt, and justifiable anger that was starting to feel like a pattern in her life. Maybe this book would teach her something that would help her fix whatever was wrong with her.

Eventually the new book was delivered and Stephanie sat down to read it as soon as the opportunity presented itself. Stephanie saw there were 146 pages and knew she’d be able to finish it in a few hours, so she got started.

As it happens, Stephanie did read that book in an evening and then again the next day and then a few more times after that. She even highlighted the passages that she found most meaningful. Every paragraph has something highlighted. There is so much good stuff in “When Things Fall Apart, ” but for the purpose of this review, we are going to pick three of Stephanie’s favorite lessons learned from it and explore how the concepts can make way for a much needed change in perspective.

There are three concepts that really changed the direction Stephanie’s life was heading after reading this book. The first concept introduced in the second chapter is the hopeless cycle of suffering called samsara. This cycle occurs due to "thinking that we can find some lasting pleasure and avoid pain” because as she notes in chapter one, “No one ever tells us to stop running away from fear.”

“Well what else are you supposed to do when you’re scared” thought Stephanie? Then Pema started to list the ways that people avoid their fear: having sex, using drugs, binge eating, drinking alcohol, fighting. Thinking back over her life, Stephanie realized that she had spent a considerable amount of time participating in those activities in search of solace from all of the things that, at the core of things, terrified her.

Which brings us nicely to the second concept that really resonated for Stephanie and that she teaches to her clients, that of maitri. In Sanskrit, maitri means loving-kindness or unconditional friendliness. In chapter four, Pema has some instructions for practicing meditation and she discusses cultivating maitri with yourself as you meditate. The idea of becoming her own best friend after so many years of disliking herself seemed like a novel idea to Stephanie and was something she found herself beginning to consider. “What does it look like”, she wondered, “to be a friend to yourself?”

Gradually she cultivated a friendship with herself, speaking to herself with the kindness and grace she gave to the people she loved the most. Then, an extraordinary thing happened. She found herself losing interest in the old habits that she once participated in to escape herself and instead would sit still and pay attention to the way her emotions felt in her body. Where once she would avoid feeling the emotional pain of the end of a romantic relationship, now she would lean into the pain and examine it. She found that when she imagined the pain to be an infant, she could swaddle it, acknowledge it, send all her love to it and then the pain would transform into something else, like acceptance.

The last, but certainly not least, lesson that Pema imparts in her book is the practice of tonglen. Tonglen is a mindful meditation practice that helps to expand your inner compassion for yourself and for the other beings coexisting on Earth. It is a great way to cultivate maitri for oneself and also is the path to having more compassion for the other beings on earth.

To practice tonglen, you can start with thinking about someone who is hurting or needs help. Then as you take a deep breath in, imagine breathing in all the hurt, all the pain and sadness that the person is experiencing. It might help to imagine it as a bunch of poisonous dark smoke. Then, breathe out all of the love, support, and whatever else you want to send to the person, perhaps imagining a bright healing light of some sort. Do that several times and then begin to change the focus to encompass all people who are experiencing the same thing and repeat until you feel comfortable being done.

Stephanie loves learning new words and Pema did not disappoint. She discusses the word to describe the eventual outcome of this practice in Chapter 14: bodhichitta.

If you would like to listen to a recorded hypnotic tonglen meditation that Stephanie created as her gift to you, click the download it now.

It was after reading this book and practicing the lessons within it that led Stephanie to understand that there was nothing in this book that would fix what was wrong with her, as she had hoped upon opening it that first time. Once she cultivated loving kindness for herself and stopped running away from the parts of life that were scary, she was able to accept herself and feel satisfied with her life. Once her perspective on herself shifted she was able to realize there was nothing that needed to be fixed about herself and a lot that just needed to be accepted and loved.

Now, she is on a mission to help her clients reach the same place by teaching them how to cultivate mindfulness, learn self acceptance, and use hypnosis to just relax and create the life of their dreams.

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